Life in the first 6 months of being a parent!

In this series of mini blogs we look at life in the first 6 months of your baby’s life. Week one discusses what normal baby sleep looks like.

What is normal young baby behaviour?

Our society and cultural expectations have changed over the years, as have our experiences and expectations as parents. However, our babies’ innate behaviour and needs have not!

I’m not an expert but mammals appear to be divided into caching species (i.e. hiding their young when mum goes off to hunt for food) and carrying species, whereby mum carries her infant and feeds it frequently. Dr Blurton Jones in 1972 concluded from several anatomical, behavioral and physiological comparisons, including the composition of the milk, that humans are a carrying species, which breast feed their young frequently. In addition, to this Dr Emmy Werner (again 1972 – busy year!) studied groups of infants in ‘traditionally’ reared rural communities’ verses ‘Westernised’ urban infants across 5 continents. Dr Werner found that traditionally reared infants had greater motor development than the urban infants. These traditionally reared infants, regardless of the continent, lived within an extended family system with many caretakers, breastfed on demand, day and night, had constant tactile stimulation with the body of the adult caretaker who carried the infant on her back or side, and slept with him. As these infants were with an adult continually, they participated in all adult activities, with frequent sensorimotor stimulation and had no set routines for feeding or sleeping. Interestingly, many parents in our Western society often comment their baby appears most settled when ‘out and about’ or when surrounded by the normal daily rhythm of adult life.

Baby brain development!

Due to evolution and the development of the large human brain, babies must be born at a stage of maturity when other mammals would remain safely in the uterus. For these large heads to fit through their mother’s pelvis babies are born gestationally very immature. This is also seen in marsupials, such as kangaroos and koalas, but they have the convenience of a pouch supplied with a nipple! Normal human baby behaviour includes frequent breastfeeding and sleeping for short periods in bodily contact with a parent. In the first 3 months feeding and sleeping are very closely linked – conveniently feeding releases gut-induced melatonin and promotes sleep.

As human babies have lots of brain development to do, human milk is high in sugars to facilitate this. This means that our babies must feed frequently. Compare this to the young of a sea-based mammal, for example, who have milk with very high fat content to allow their young to be left for several days while their mothers hunt for food in the ocean.

Due to this human baby immaturity mother-infant attachment is needed from birth, long before the baby develops true infant-to-mother attachment. During this time babies like to be held and carried, for their own security, as a baby can do little to overcome a potentially dangerous separation except cry to ensure they are picked up again. In the early weeks and months, this close carrying and care tends to be provided by the mother or primary care giver. As the first year progresses into the second, infants may have several attachment figures, usually including father, siblings and grandparents, depending on who has cared for them. In non-parental childcare they develop attachments to care-givers if the care is sensitive and favourable.

Robin Grille writes a reassuring article about parental guilt and postnatal depression, in which he makes the point that parenting was not supposed to be done in isolation. In the past raising small children was done as a group – long before the mother became exhausted, she was supported by other adults caring for the child. Yes, the mother breastfed and slept with her child, but she also had help and support during the days and nights.

Where does that leave us as new parents?

Unfortunately, our society has moved on and values babies who are content being placed down. This is compounded by the workload most parents face. Even whilst on maternity leave – most new mothers often have emails, social media, health appointments, expectations to be at groups and must look after either older siblings or do household chores.

Add into this mix parental exhaustion (either from pregnancy, workload, birth or the early days of baby’s life) and underlying anxieties about parenthood or a pre-existing mental health problem. It is therefore, not surprising that a young baby who can be placed down is desirable or necessary!

Babies pick up on their parents’ emotions very quickly. From a survival perspective a baby needs to be near his carer, they have no other way of protecting themselves. A baby is designed to read body language, therefore a parent who is depressed, frustrated, anxious or cross is going to induce those emotions in their baby. The baby will not know why their parent is upset; they are using an innate survival mechanism which the primitive brain is assuming is an immediate threat to the baby – i.e. an imminent attack by a sabre tooth tiger! In this situation, baby does not want to be left behind if the parents run, so by crying the baby is ensuring that they are noticed by the parent and therefore picked up and stay safe.

There are not many situations where the above scenario is true these days – however this has not altered baby behaviour. This does not mean to say that parents cannot experience or show these emotions but is does explain why baby may react as they do. When parents do feel like this – taking some time out to stop and breath, cuddle your baby and reconnect can make everyone feel better.

For many new parents their tiny babies sleep well in the first few weeks at home, and then they wake up about week 4 and decide that they will not be put down again ever! This can either go 2 ways – parents wondering what on earth they have done wrong or parents accepting this as the norm and carrying and co-sleeping with their baby. The next scenario is a parent who is happy to do this for a few weeks but then starts to become really exhausted with the relentlessness of the carrying. Some parents surrender to this and happily carry their babies’ long term, others would like to do the same, but logistics prevent them and for other parents this scenario is just not either physically, logistically or emotionally practical.

What can we do to support new parents and their babies in this situation?

Firstly, look at feeding – is the baby’s reluctance to be put down a symptom of tummy ache – does baby need to be in an upright position to be comfortable? Is frequent waking caused by either under or over feeding? This is not meant to be a piece on breast or formula feeding – but feeding and sleep cannot be separated in the first 2-3 months.

Let’s assume that baby is being fed responsively when he/she asks for it – either for nutrition or comfort. Let’s also assume that there are no breastfeeding, supply or anatomical problems which may affect feeding. Let’s assume that if bottle feeding (either formula or expressed breast milk) that baby is being fed by a paced technique where they can regulate their intake and take breaks as needed. Let’s further assume that there are no cow’s milk protein allergies or reflux in the picture. If any of the above are suspected, then a feeding assessment and/or medical review is recommended.

What does normal young baby sleep look like?

Again, this piece is not an academic essay and I will use some more accessible terminology when describing sleep cycles.  Simply put – light sleep is a term for rapid eye movement sleep (REM or more commonly known as dreaming sleep) and quiet (or deep) sleep is known as non-REM sleep. As babies mature this sleep changes and incorporates REM sleep, light sleep – stages 1 and 2 and non-REM sleep stages 3 and 4.

In the first few months babies spend the majority of their sleep time in light REM sleep. This is thought to be due to the huge amount of brain development taking place – in REM sleep there is almost double the blood flow to the brain than in quite/deep sleep. This light, rousable sleep is also thought to be protective against SIDS.

A young baby’s sleep consists of cycles of around 30-40 minutes, baby enters light sleep first then shifts to deep sleep and back to light sleep etc. As this sleep shifts are relatively simple babies find this easy to achieve. Disruption to these sleep cycles is likely when babies are in pain – for example reflux or CMPA – this is often seen as a baby who only sleeps for 20 minutes or so when placed down.

Babies do not produce their own melatonin until about 3-4 months of age, up until then the precursor of melatonin, tryptophan, is available in breastmilk. The first circadian rhythm (i.e our body rhythms over the 24-hour period) to develop in a new-born is the body temperature fluctuation which appears at 1 week of age. By 3-4 months the baby’s light/dark circadian rhythm is established. There is evidence to suggest that a baby who is exposed to 12 hours of dark, quiet and reduced stimulation and 12 hours of light, noise and daytime activities, over the 24-hour period will develop this circadian rhythm sooner than a baby who is not shown these differences.

How does this sleep change?

As babies develop over these early weeks and months, they are gradually able to spend more time awake in between sleeps. Especially around the 3-4-month period parents often feel their baby is so alert and distractible that they are unable to settle to sleep and often struggle to achieve much day-time sleep. At this stage overtiredness is often a factor as babies may not show obvious signs of being tired. In fact, an overtired baby can appear livelier as they produce adrenaline and cortisol to keep themselves going. Frustratingly overtiredness often results in more fractured and disrupted night-time sleep, therefore it is essential to consider daytime sleep when addressing night-time sleep.

Often this combination of being awake longer, being less able to calm or settle, being more distractible and being overtired, leads to a fractious fussy baby who resists being put down.

Somewhere between 3 and 6 months the baby’s sleep cycle matures into a ‘sleep architecture’ that lasts all their lives! This change in sleep pattern is extensive and often results in worse sleep for several weeks. Instead of a simple light/deep cycle, the baby’s brain is now moving in between 2 stages of deep sleep (NREM 3and 4), 2 stages of light sleep (NREM 1 and 2) and REM sleep. Each sleep cycle therefore ‘looks’ something like this; NREM1-NREM2-NREM3/4-NREM2- NREM1-REM.

The biggest change to this is the fact that babies are now going straight into deep sleep rather than drifting from light to deep sleep as they did as newborns.  These many stages can cause frequent waking as the baby is not used to this pattern and at each transition, they may wake – this is much more likely if they are overtired. When a baby is overtired, they ‘crash’ straight into the NREM3/4 and do not get to practice the changes in sleep state. Therefore, over the night period every time their brain moves into a different sleep state they wake up. When this change in sleep architecture is combined with a sleep association provided by the parent (for example feeding, rocking, cuddling etc) then every time the baby’s brain changes sleep state the parent is needed to help baby settle again.

Blog will continue in part 2 which will look at whether feeding method affects sleep, and the influence of parental factors on baby sleep.

Rachel Greaves is a midwife, public health nurse and accredited sleep coach. She volunteers at local breastfeeding support groups and works privately at Goodnight Solutions 


Cook. P (1997) The Species-Normal Experience for Human Infants: A Biological and Cross-Cultural Perspective. Early Child Care: Infants and Nations at Risk Melbourne: News Weekly Books. Accessed at;

Grille. R (2019) Parent Guilt – A Silent Epidemic. Accessed at:

Grille. R (2019) Post Natal Depression – Mental Illness or Natural Reaction? Accessed at;

So how do you cope with the really bad days?

We all have them, days when we have had very little sleep, days when everything takes ages, days when everyone says ‘no’, days when we just want to be left alone! This Thursday is World Mental Health Day , and this year they are focusing on suicide prevention. This may seem dramatic for a blog focusing mainly on parenting and sleep deprivation but many of us have had days where we feel we just can’t carry on. We have all heard the suggestions for improving our mental well being, such as a healthy diet, exercise, ‘me time’ ( what’s that?), warm baths and doing something enjoyable. These are very valid solutions and do help in the longer term. However, what do you do when you are at your wits end, everyone is crying, the kids are fighting and you haven’t had a minute to either shop or prepare lunch?

First – stop and breathe! How bad is the problem?

Let’s scale the problem! Sometimes a hug from a loved one at the end of a tiring day is enough and sometimes we are at breaking point. How bad is your problem right now?

  • Reassurance and encouragement – we all feel better when sometime we care about and respect tells us we are doing a great job. It is normal to find parenting really hard work, especially with today’s pressures and lack of time. Accept your hug and take a breath – this phase will pass!
  • Ok hugs aren’t cutting it! Do you have any practical help available to you? Can you call a friend or family member for some back up? What tasks/chores etc can you ignore for today so you can all get through until bedtime? Do the bare minimum and congratulate yourself for still being upright!
  • Do you need to some simple sleep and parenting tips to help with each day? Simple tweaks such as an earlier bedtime or a cuddle nap in front of the TV can make all the difference. Try some active outside time for the children and if the weather is ok take a simple picnic for their dinner. Regular meals, exercise and naps for little ones do make a huge improvement to nighttime sleep.
  • Are you at crisis point right now ? Are you ‘touched out’ by a baby needing to be held and fed constantly or a toddler clinging to your leg, and fed up of managing everyone else’s emotions? Sometimes reassurance and hugs are just not enough!

What can I do right now to help me cope?

Stop – whatever chaos is ensuing – just stop. And take 1-2 minutes to breathe. Our minds and our stress responses  are designed to be in-tune with our breathing – this has evolutionary advantages and is described as Polyvagal theory. When you have  time – this is a great link to check out. Right now breathe in, hold and breathe out slowly – repeat 5 times if possible!

Give yourself a hug – we can release our own oxytocin by a firm self-hug, or pressing on our chest just above and between the breasts, there is also a pressure point between the thumb and forefinger in the fleshy bit just before the joint.

Now put on some uplifting music that you like, start by swaying and humming and then really dance out that stress and tension. Young children love this to and it may be enough to distract them from whinging.

Ok – now write down some of those feelings and thoughts any old way!

Consider some aromatherapy – try out scents for yourself – patchouli, frankincense, and clary sage are great for mood and hormone balancing but anything which you like will help!

Simple mindfulness techniques can also help – breathe in the smell of your little ones head as you cuddle them. Really look at your older kids and note what you adore about them. Look around your home and remember occasions when good things happened!

Now look at what you may have written down and see if you can re-frame it to be slightly more positive. You can change the internal voice that says everything is rubbish – see if you can find a little bit of calm and happiness within the mayhem.

How do I cope with my children today?

This blog post is aimed at those of us with no social support to call on – perhaps family are not available or not interested, perhaps you’re a single parent or partner works long tiring hours? If you have someone to call on – do it – now! There is no shame in asking for help! When you do – tell your cavalry what you want them to do! This is your choice – not theirs! Sometimes we want an hour away from the kids and sometimes we don’t – let them know!

For those with no-one available right now – first make sure the kids are safe. Now make sure everyone is fed – you first – hot drink and snack first and then everyone else – it doesn’t have to be healthy right now !! It can be healthy later on today or tomorrow or on an easier day!

What do you need to do now to feel better?

If you need to yell – go into the next room and yell into a pillow! Will your child wonder what’s going on? Yes – but this is ok, they are safe and loved and you are not yelling at them!

If you need to have 5 minutes away – then go and lie down to breathe or cry – will your child wonder where you are for 5 minutes – probably but this will not harm them and may save you!

If you need to just hug a fractious baby rather than feed for the hundredth time that day – then do so – again this will not harm them – its ok!

If you feel you have not slept for days then its ok to ask someone else to have the kids for 5 hours. Did you know that a stretch of 5 hours unbroken sleep will work miracles – this does not have to be at night. If you are breastfeeding, most babies can cope with a big cuddle from dad or gran and an occasional one-off will not affect your milk supply or relationship with your baby.

We all know that responsive parenting is best, that being emotionally available for your children helps them grow and thrive, that modelling your emotions teaches them how to regulate theirs.

But we were not designed to do this by ourselves! Your children are loved and cared for ! You may try these suggestions above just once or you made need to use them more.

I feel guilty!

I think parental guilt is delivered alongside the placenta (please note there is no evidence for this!) We all want to do our very best for our children! Guess what? You are the best for your children! You are the one there for them, comforting them and loving them – no-one else can do that better than you!

Do you remember everything little thing about your early years? Your children will not look back and remember the times you needed to just ‘pop into my room’ to cry or ‘just going to the toilet’ to hide and yell into the hand towel! They will remember running to you for comfort, having a dance and laugh, sharing a treat! They don’t need perfection – they just need you – warts and all!

When this crisis has passed look at ways that you could make life easier! Look at just doing one niggling chore first thing in the morning then its done. Look at not multitasking – take enjoyment from the mundane and focus on one thing at a time. Ask for help or hire it in if you can. Aim to get outside each day for some fresh air. Look at swapping a couple of ‘reach for and grab’  foods for something more healthy.

Look at parenting or feeding support if needed! A couple of bad days do not mean you’re a bad parent! But sometimes a lack of sleep can exacerbate our stress and tension the following day which inevitably the kids pick up on. Try an earlier bedtime and a calming wind down period for everybody before bed.

Longer term support can be found through your GP, health visitor or charities such as Mind or Pandas

Rachel Greaves is a midwife, public health nurse and accredited sleep coach. She volunteers at local breastfeeding support groups and works privately at Goodnight Solutions 

Did anyone get a lie-in in this morning?

Worried that the bedtime routine may go to pot now the clocks have gone back?

According to the ‘Great British Bedtime Report’ complied by the Sleep Council more than a quarter of people who have
three children (26%) sleep poorly most nights. The report concludes that that the average Briton goes to bed at
11.15pm and gets just six hours and 35 minutes sleep per night. This is considerably less than the ideal of 8 hours and 15 minutes!

For the full report see

So is it time to address any sleep issues?

Let’s start with ensuring the end of British Summer Time does not exacerbate any sleep problems your family has.

Ensure you start the bedtime routine this evening at the usual time (as per clock)  – not at the time your child’s body clock thinks it is!

If they wake early tomorrow (as per their body clock) use your usual techniques for informing them it is still night time. Ensure any timers on nightlights or Gro-clocks are changed and use a reward system for staying in bed when they supposed to! Always reward for staying in bed and/or lying still not for falling asleep – that is harder for your child to achieve.

For help and support with family sleep problems visit

Baby-led parenting

Responsive feeding, baby-led weaning, no-cry sleep solutions? As health professionals we tell a new mum to always respond to her baby’s cues/signals or distress. We talk about secure attachments and stress hormones and we suggest to a parents that a routine or asking a baby to wait is not achievable or desirable. This is the case in when a new mother is working to establish breastfeeding or a baby is young. There are also a wide range of parenting books going from one extreme to the other. Rigid feeding times which take no account of baby’s personality or a mother’s breast storage capacity to the idea that a baby/child must be carried or worn and will not sleep alone until they are ready. Neither style is wrong but neither are they right for everyone. The vast majority of parents will fall somewhere between the two extremes.

Responsive feeding

Read Emma Pickett’s great blog above about responsive feeding – she makes an excellent point about other members of the family having ‘needs’ too. Life is a compromise and when a mother has more than one child there is a lot of compromising but that is not a bad thing for mum, baby or older siblings – its just life. At what point do we turn to a parent and say ‘ok now you go from always being responsive to putting some boundaries in place’ – I’m not sure we do? The conversation moves from responsive feeding to baby-led weaning, to continuing to cuddle or feed to sleep during a so-called ‘sleep regression’ or ‘leap’ etc!

Increase in Anxiety

We read in the media all the time about how anxiety and depression is on the increase in our youngsters today. We read about ‘generation snowflake’ – an unkind term at the best of times – yet who has created this generation? Has an increase in responsiveness or perhaps permissiveness led to youngsters who have either not heard the word ‘no’ enough or have been forced to make decisions (in the spirit of parents wanting to be sensitive to their ‘needs’) that they are not mature enough to make?

Would we ask a toddler if they want to attend nursery or preschool ? And if they don’t then change the family job situation/finances to accommodate this – not many families could or would do this! Would we ask a child if they want to change school due to problems and so putting the burden onto them? Or do we help and support them to cope with the realities of life?

There is no doubt that our youngsters lives are very different now.  School life is more academic, social media polarizes our views leaving compromise a poor second, and the freedom to make mistakes is limited for our children as they more structured upbringings. Yet our responsibilities as adults are still there – to do some adult-led parenting! Perhaps therefore reduce some of the anxieties our children are growing up with by making our and societies expectations of them clear and allowing some room for failure within this without shame.

For support and advice around your child’s sleep visit

Back to school sleep!

How to get those school-age kids back on track with their sleep after the summer?

Have your summer holiday bedtimes got later and later? No immediate rush in the mornings means more laid-back bedtimes for most of us over the summer holidays. This is not normally a problem after a late Friday or Saturday night but after 6 weeks of school holiday it may be!

If you child has remained having their recommended amount of sleep but at a later onset it is known as ‘late sleep phase’ . This is also a naturally occurring situation in teenagers and is part of normal development. Luckily it is also one of the easiest issues to resolve whether it is a holiday problem or a longer term one.

Top tips for back to school sleep;

Start with your child’s current sleep onset time – i.e the time they fall asleep not the time they are put to bed. Use a short bedtime time routine and start this roughly 45 minutes before they are currently falling asleep. For example if your child falls asleep at 10.45pm then start bedtime routine at 10pm. Aim to bring this time forward by 15 minutes every 2-3 nights and reinforce this with motivating rewards. Ensure you are waking your child in the morning at the time required for back to school mornings. You should be back on track within 1-2 weeks.

This method works well with those children who get anxious about bedtime and take a long time to fall asleep. A reward system in this situation would be aimed at keeping your child lying still in bed and working with their natural tiredness.

For more support and information visit Home


Summer holidays and summer sleep.

Its a time of later bedtimes and lazy mornings, of hot bedrooms and possibly trips away on holiday. Quick tips include keeping the bedroom as cool as possible. Consider keeping feet bare and uncovered, always use black out blinds – movable ones are good for summer sleep whilst on holidays.  Reintroduce reward charts once you are home or the holidays have finished.

Your child may previously have been a good sleeper but after a period of change their sleep is more disrupted. Classic at this time of year is a family holiday with a time zone change. Family holidays involve relaxation, fun and later bedtimes. This may be followed by a longer lie in or possibly not!

There may be limited opportunity to keep your child’s summer sleep space as dark and/or quiet as they are used to. It may be hotter or colder than normal. Top tip – relax and enjoy and it and use any means possible to get the most sleep for your family whilst on holiday!

Returning home.

As soon as you return home, restart the usual bedtime routine and times. If you have returned from a different time zone go straight back to the correct bedtime for UK (assuming you are in the UK!) time. Most youngsters will settle back into their usual sleep pattern within a few days providing you are consistent and persistent.

This advice is also suitable for after a period of illness. There is no situation where sleep is more important than a poorly child. Therefore make sure you are available to your child at night when they are sick. Then return to normal routines and expectations when you are reassured they are well again. That said a poorly child over the age of 6 months does not always need a milk feed in the night and water can be acceptable.

For further information see

For advice when your child is ill see nhs choices

Next time – Getting those school aged children back on track to be waking for school again.

Babies can resettle – the controversial subject of ‘self-soothing’  true or false?

If you have read Goodnight Solutions blog – Sleep cycles , normal sleep?  (  you may remember that waking in the night is normal for babies and adults alike.

So how then do some parents report their babies as young as 5 weeks will sleep for 5 hours? Answer – by having a baby who does not signal to his or her parents when they do wake.

A small study performed in 2015 on 101 London babies by Ian St James-Roberts et al showed the average time of crying in the night at 5 weeks old was 1 minutes 6 seconds before the baby fell asleep again, this was slightly increased at 3 months to 1 minute and 19 seconds of crying before settling again without parental help. Amazingly the study also showed that in the 6-7 weeks between 5 weeks and 3 months these babies managed an extra 2 hours sleep at night – quite a developmental achievement in a short space of time!

Another interesting finding of this study was that those babies that were allowed to resettle themselves at 5 weeks, had those same skills at 3 months and beyond. In contrast the babies who signaled (ie cried) and were not given an opportunity to resettle themselves before parental  intervention were shown to still need parental help to sleep at 5 months of age and were more likely to have longer term sleep problems. Obviously there are limitations from this study (as outlined by the researchers themselves) and only 101 babies from mainly affluent well-educated parents were videoed, but none the less food for thought!

What does this teach us about babies resettling themselves or ‘self-soothing’ ?

Firstly they need an opportunity to be allowed to learn this skill.

Secondly 1 minute 6 seconds is a huge length of time to listen to your baby cry for in the middle of the night – hence quite emotionally challenging  to acheive!

Thirdly if your baby is still audibly distressed and not calming after that average time of 1-2 minutes then most likely they need feeding and attention.

If you would like the full article read it here;

Visit for further information.

So when and why would you use a sleep practitioner? Consider the cycle of change!

The image above is taken from Steven Aitchison’s excellent website ( It is based upon the cycle developed by Prochaska and DiClemente in 1983. It describes the thought processes we use when thinking about changing something in our lives – in this case sleep issues!

So lets think about this!


This is maybe where Gran says ‘that baby should be sleeping more by now’ or ‘you are making a rod for your own back letting that toddler sleep with you’. Is this a problem for you at this point?  Probably not!


Maybe we are several months ( or years? ) down the line and our sleep situation is becoming a problem. We consider making some changes – this consideration is the start of our change journey.


We are now thinking about what we can do to improve our family’s sleep. Maybe we google some websites ( ( for example or look up one of the many sleep training books on Amazon! Maybe we even manage to read one of these books.


We put into action some of the techniques we have read about or others have recommended to us. This stage is hard!

Your child has not read the books or websites and is not really motivated by the cycle of change. However you may have read a book that suits your ethos so you find the techniques acceptable and easier to stick to. Or you may try a variety of methods and conclude that your child doesn’t need as much sleep as is suggested.


You have seen improvements in sleep and are keen to keep this going! Well done – now you need all members of the family on board and also need to ensure you continue your routine or techniques after any illnesses or holidays ( but always respond to a poorly child – sleep can be addressed again when they are better).


Perhaps an additional stresser has affected the family? Maybe a change in working hours or a new baby? Or perhaps the technique started in the action phase wasn’t sustainable for the long term?

This is a very common situation and families may have gone around this cycle of change several times before approaching a sleep practitioner. If we are prepared for relapse and aware of it when it happens then it is a temporary situation, and we move back into pre-contemplation.

True change happens when we pick the right solutions in the preparation phase and we have the right support around us in the maintenance phase. See,uk for how I can help you through this journey. 



Normal sleep? When I ask people what goal they would like for their child when they ask me about sleep training or sleep problems – in 99% of families it is for the child to sleep through the night. I start by explaining that non of us sleep through the night. If we perceive we have had a full night’s sleep we were not aware of these awakenings – on the other hand we may be very aware we have woken especially in this hot weather.

Normal sleep (from about 4 months onwards) is characterized by a periods of deep sleep occurring roughly 10-15 minutes after falling asleep. We then move into lighter sleep, REM sleep and wake periods which we cycle through for the remaining hours of the night. It is therefore normal (and evolutionary advantageous) to wake 2-3 times in the wee small hours. We wake to check we are safe – as an adult we usually are!

However if we are 7 months old or 7 years old (or anything in between) then maybe we are not safe? Maybe the reassuring nightlight has turned off or the lullabies have finished? Maybe mummy or daddy are no longer there? Or maybe we fell asleep on the sofa and now everything is different? Maybe the bottle of milk or the comforting breast feed is not there either? So what do we do now? Perhaps cry or come to find a parent? Sound familiar?

So how do you teach your child to sleep trough the night? You don’t! You teach your child to be safe and comfortable in their sleep space (wherever that may be) and you ensure that whatever soothed them to sleep at bedtime remains there at those wakings in the night. That means teaching your child to fall asleep happily at bedtime without needing you to sooth them at those night wakings. Unless you want to be there of course. Services

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Intermittent rewards – the one thing we all do as parents but the one thing that derails us!

For years I have wondered why my kids always asked for screen time – all day, every day, anytime they were not on a screen they were asking to go back on one!

I didn’t understand it – they were happy kids, interested in loads of other things and able to occupy themselves (mostly) although not without some sibling fighting.

Did I give them too much TV or too little and why did other people’s kids not seem to do it? Should I just leave the TV on all day in the hope they got bored of it – but I didn’t dare do that as I genuinely thought that they would watch 14 hours of TV a day. The only time they did not ask for screen time was before school as I had made a rule that there were to be no screens before school on the first day they started. A rule that still stands.

It was only very recently that I figured out the problem – I had inadvertently set up an intermittent reward system years ago! The challenge of having twins, followed by another child had left me in a position where I could say ‘no’ all day. Yet crucially on the 350th time of the kids asking, one of them would have poo’d, been sick, or hurt themselves and the other 2 kids finally got a ‘yes’ just to allow me to deal with the crisis in front of me.

This is the same reason we adults play the lottery, slot machines or gamble on the horses – we know that most times it will be a ‘no’ but just once, maybe, it will be a ‘yes’. Maybe just £10 but its still enough to keep us at it. No different to my kids and their hopeful continual questioning about screens!

This intermittent reward system can keep our youngsters waking at night and getting up to find us. We can be consistent all night putting them back to bed but maybe at 5am we’ve had enough and toddler comes into bed with us.  We know we are getting up in an hour and behind the curtains it’s already light– but to the youngster it’s finally the reward they were hoping for. They have no concept that it is now 5am and not 2am when they started asking to sleep with us.

Possibly it is only on a weekend that our babies get a breastfeed or a bottle with a lovely cuddle in bed at 5am – in the hope that we may snatch another 2 hours sleep. This is enough to keep them asking though – every night of the week.

Have my kids finally stopped asking for screens now I have grasped this important concept? No of course they haven’t – they are eternal optimists like all kids! But they no longer ask more than once as I have stopped wavering in my reply – if I’m ok with them having screens then it’s a big fat ‘yes’ and if there is something better to do then its ‘no’.  No more gambling in this home!